For all the dads who are grieving the death of a child and carrying the weight of guilt,

As a grieving mom, but also as the wife of a grieving father, the first thing I want to say is this:  it is not your fault.

I know those words may be difficult to believe. I know because I have watched the man I love second-guess his choices and words and wonder if there was something he should have seen, said, or done differently.

But the truth is that a loving father cannot know every hidden hurt their child carries.

When a child dies, especially by suicide, it is natural to search for answers. A father’s love wants to protect, fix, and save. When he cannot, that love often turns inward and becomes blame.

But, the love you have for your child is not evidence of any failure. Please do not mistake your pain, or theirs, for a lack of love on your part.

The fathers I know who carry this loss are some of the best fathers I know. They were present, worked hard, worried, sacrificed, cheered from the sidelines, sat through long nights, gave advice, offered hugs, and did the best they could with what they knew at the time.

If you are carrying guilt today, I hope you will show yourself the same compassion you would offer another grieving parent.

Your child was not defined by the way they died, but by the life they lived and the love they shared with the people around them.

And your fatherhood is not defined by your child’s death. It is defined by the love you have given; and by the love that remains.

As Father’s Day approaches, my heart is with you. Especially with the fathers who are missing their child, loving them still, and learning how to carry both grief and love at the same time.